My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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