Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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