I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
