yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
