Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
