Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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