I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
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I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
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Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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