Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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