I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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