There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
