u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
