We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
