i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
