Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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