do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
