i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's blow job season.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
