So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
