Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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