so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.