She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We have started to decorate penises.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
