I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
this hospital has no fireball
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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