Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Im part way to drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
