I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
