he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
