Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
