You're my little dorito
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We need a shit load of segways right now
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
