Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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