I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
