Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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