i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
