seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
