I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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