My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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