Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
