She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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