3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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