why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
FUCK WHALES
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
