My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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