I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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