i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
