I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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