K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
