who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i think i just lost a toe
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
