we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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