I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
