I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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