WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
