I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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