Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
