She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
