Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
