i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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