Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
