I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
