and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.