did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
