Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
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I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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