the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
