You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
a search helicopter?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
