I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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